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As per usual, last night’s The Bachelorette did not disappoint. How could it when in the first 30 seconds you were promised flash mobs, freak-outs and fake tears?

Let’s start at the beginning. Bacherlorette Ashley takes Ben, a lawyer from “N’awlins,” to a dance studio where they learn a totally dumb dance. Pop quiz: How do you make an awkward first date even more awkward? Answer: Force your suitor to dance in the middle of a field with hundreds of people watching. Now, how do you make that into good TV? Turn it into a flash mob. That’s exactly what Ashley did. And yes, it was super lame.

The next day, the masked avenger, Jeff, finally reveals what’s under his utterly ridiculous mask. Is it a giant mole? A lazy eye? Nope, just an old guy, according to Ashley.

The group then heads to a comedy club, where Jeff Ross tells the boys that they are about to embark upon a roast. Not of “The Hoff” or Pamela Anderson, mind you, but of little ol’ Ashley.

So the roast commences and well, it’s a bloodbath. I’m not sure who I felt worse for: Ashley or the audience that had to endure such awful comedy. All of the bachelors are terrible, making small-boob jokes and such, but no joke cut as deep as when William steps up to the mic and completely tears Ashley a new one. What does the not-so-funny man say? Um, basically: “I wish you were Emily. You suck. And you have small boobs.”

Naturally, Ashley starts bawling. William then attempts a lame apology, proclaiming, “I just wanna make people laugh,” (which he didn’t), and then tells Ashley that he’s just going to pack his bags and quit the show. Alas, he doesn’t.

Bentley decides to “do what it takes” and suffer through a convo with the lady of the hour in an effort to win another rose by blowing sunshine up her perfect butt. Feeling vulnerable and abused, Ashley grows a pair and pulls a fast one on Bentley. She tells him that a friend of hers told her that he was coming on the show solely to promote his business, and that he would then leave her in the dust.

Bentley looks like a deer in the headlights for a second, but somehow pulls a feasible excuse out of his perfect ass. In true Ashley form, she totally buys it.

Still, the next day, Bentley decides it’s time to bounce (He owns a trampoline business! Get it?). He’s not into Ashley, he doesn’t want to fake it anymore and he thinks that compared to (winner of last season of The Bachelor) Emily Maynard, Ashley is, and I quote: “An ugly duckling.”

When he tells Ashley that he has to leave because he misses his daughter, Ashley replies: “Ya coming back?!”


Bentley then gives a real roast, saying: “It’s so annoying to hold a girl who’s crying. And crying. And crying. I talked to her like a girl I’m really interested in. Only I’m not f-ing interested.”

So this drags on for what seems like an entire season, and Bentley finally drives off into infamy.

Ashley spends the day in bed, and looks like it when JP shows up for their date. They spend a nice, quiet night indoors by the fire, where JP snags a smooch and a rose.

To shake things up, Ashley decides to skip the cocktail ceremony the next night and go right to the roses. With a heavy heart, she pins her remaining bachelors. Who didn’t make the cut? The masked avenger and some other dude, named Chris.

Hot damn, this show is getting good.

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