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The LOST finale has come and gone.

Facebook petitioned for the planets to align perfectly so nothing would interrupt this climactic moment.

The streets were quiet, the airports shut down, and my dog didn’t need to take a crap outside for three hours.

I’d never seen the show before last night.

Why then, after avoiding this show for six seasons, would I sit down with a Costco size bag of Swedish Fish and watch the finale?

Well, according to the 346 Entertainment Weekly covers featuring all thing LOST, all questions I could possibly have about this enigmatic television show would be tied up in a frilly little bow by the show’s end.

But after two and a half hours of sweeping music, earthquakes and tears (most of them, mine), I still have questions.

As I watched, and yes, cried a lot, all the mysteries of the LOST universe slowly revealed themselves.  But I still didn’t know what the fart was going on.

In an effort to stay relevant on my Twitter feed, I need to figure this shit out.  I’ve whittled my main concerns down to 10.

I’m hoping, now that LOST fans have literally nothing to live for anymore, that they might refrain from offing themselves and take time to answer a few questions.

10. Who’s actually hotter – Jack or Sawyer?

9. What was the white light hole in the ground thingy?  Heaven?  A hottub?

8. Do you really believe in Duct tape?

7. Why was Locke such a dick?

6. So, did all of the people on the plane have to wait until Jack died before they could all go to heaven?

5. The pilot, the Asian dude and the guy with permanent black eyeliner were also on the plane at the end.  Why weren’t they at the church?

4. So the fat dude, Desmond and Ben were like, soul wranglers?  They brought all the peeps together and got them to feel each other up and cry?

3. How much do you think the new ABC show The Gates is going to suck?  Why does every network think it needs a vampire show now?

2. Did “The Others” all congregate at a Sizzler down the block?  Didn’t see any of them at that church.

And the MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION OF ALL –

1. What happened to the dog??!?!  He wasn’t at the church.  SURELY he did NOTHING wrong.  BAD CONTINUITY people.

Overall, it seemed to end nicely.  Kind of The Sixth Sense meets The Dead Zone thing.  For those die hards that will be walking around today in the hollow shells of your former selves because you’re so, well, lost without LOST, I’m sure ABC a new, totally-baffling-in-every-way show cooking right now to re-captivate you before you turn to the dark side and start watching Two and Half Men on CBS.

Later dude.

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6 Comments to “Get LOST? Not Me. Ten Qs I Have About Lost Finale”

  • Alas, have never seen an episode but going to get it all on Netflix and start watching it. Like Avatar, too many people are telling me it is worth it.

    The Summer is not lost! Big Brother is coming in July and let us not forget The Bachelorette (and I am SURE she is totally in love!!) starts tonight!!!!! Yipeeeee!!!!!!!!!

  • 10. Kate

    9. I giant source of energy. The “heart” of the island that made remain “alive” and do special things. :) Yes ridiculous

    8. Yes

    7. Locke wasn’t a dick. You’re referring to the “monster” that used his body after the real Locke died.

    6. Who knows. They probably didn’t know what they were waiting for all along.

    5. The pilot, the Asian dude and the guy with permanent black eyeliner weren’t at the church because none of them were in the original plane crash.

    4. They were the first to realize where they were. Then it was time to get people laid.

    3. True Blood is the only cool vampire show cuz their is a lot of crazy, bloody sex going on.

    2. Again, Sarah…. They weren’t on the plane that crashed. :)

    1. His master (Michael) did some bad shit and so his soul never got off the island. I’m sure the dog is sticking around to be with him.

    0. You’re cute.

    • You are AWESOME! Thanks for the insight. I might have to go back and start from the beginning. :)

  • Be following LOST ever since Jack woke up in the jungle in the pilot episode
    Like one viewer mentioned: maybe longest committed realtionship I’ve ever had
    Couldn’t help but to get attached to many of the characters, and yes Locke was a real dickhead (but with ears)
    Wet eyes at times last night too, not to mention tossin n turning till 3AM
    Just loved where Vincent laid next to Jack as he passed on.
    Dogs really do understand us
    So now that it’s over, what AM I gonna do with the rest of my life?

    • I agree, dogs totally get it. I think I’m the saddest about that. What happened to Vincent?!?!

      And what are you gonna do for the rest of your life? Watch Arrested Development!!

  • I’ll never get over the way Kate was looking at Jack in his truck before he went into the church. It seemed like even after she lived her entire life she had only loved him. Many years were in her eyes.

    Oh, and dogs don’t go to heaven…?

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