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Why does every episode of “The Bachelor” have the most dramatic rose ceremony ever?

Unless someone poops on the floor ala “Flava of Love,” the most dramatic things happening at these rose ceremonies are the number of times the camera cuts back and forth between Jake and his harem’s stressed out faces.  I’m surprised no one has turned that into a drinking game yet.

I know I said I wasn’t going to wax on, wax off about reality shows, but since I am completely addicted to “The Bachelor” and I did help cast one season, I just had to share my thoughts.

First of all, this season has given me déjà vu.  Just smack some lipstick on Ed and you have Ali.  The girls are boring, the dates are lame and Jake is about as interesting to me as a bowl of non-fat vanilla ice cream.  Other than Roslyn boning a Producer, this season has really let me down.

I blame this on the casting.  It should have been simple.  The silver medal always becomes the next ”Bachelor.”  It should have been that hunky meat slab Kipton.  He would have been a fantastic Bachelor.  He’s aloof, rich and never really seemed into it. That shit drives girls crazy on dates.  He would have stirred some serious drama.

Instead, we got stuck with the adult version of “the Beave.”

Jake is a total tool.  I bet he gets out of the shower to pee.  If you watched him last season on “The Bachelorette,” he was such a wet noodle.  All starry eyed and gaga over Jillian and unable to relate to anyone with a penis.  Watching him confess his love to Jillian was embarrassing.

My TV muted itself.

By they way, I knew the minute he took up airtime that night that he was going home.

FYI – In realty, they always have to make it look like at least two people might get the boot.  A decoy.  Anyone who suddenly gets airtime that has never gotten much before is always going home.  There’s a free tip from your friendly neighborhood Casting Director.

Anyway, so Jake gets voted off and then comes back to warn Jillian about evil Wes. They have him wearing his Captain America pilot uniform like he just happened to be in town and got the afternoon off to go confide in his new BFF.

You don’t seriously think they didn’t fly him out and that uniform was put on in the hotel room down the hall from Jillian’s right before he went into makeup?

They flew him out.  Trust me.

So he tells Jillian that Wes is a giant douche bag, and she’s like, “thanks, weirdo” and keeps Wes anyway.  I had my own set of problems with Jillian, and I’m still bitter she ended up with that smoking kielbasa Ed.  Now there is a fine Midwesterner.  Damn shame he was stolen by a Canadian.

He would have also been a fantastic “Bachelor,” gay swim trunks and all.

So Jake’s bold move steals America’s heart and he becomes the new ”Bachelor.” If you listen to him on day one, before he met any of the model/waitresses cast for the show, he made huge ovations about how “serious” he was about finding love and the future mother of his children.

Then cut to last week when he’s open mouth kissing women I swear have served me wings at Hooters.  I can’t believe the choices his penis has made.

In two weeks, we’ll be heading into the MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER (of course).  It will finally bring an end to this farce of Mr. Perfect trying to find his baby mama.

I know that he will probably choose Tenley – and he should.  They really are the best match. These two will wear matching sweaters at Christmas and pray before they have sex.  They really are a perfect couple. Totally bland yet beautiful.  I wish them all the cuddles in the world.

But I really want him to choose Vienna, because I refuse to watch an entire season of her under eye bags as the next “Bachelorette.”  She is just not attractive.

Jake needs to take her off the table to prevent any future spin-offs with her as the star.  She’ll be out of the spot light as Jake’s fiancé, until they undoubtedly split because JAKE IS BORING and VIENNA IS 23 and by then, then world will have moved on and forgotten all about these reality star crossed lovers.

Sadly, Tenley won’t be much of a “Bachelorette” either – I don’t really see her dating, or much less kissing, multiple men at time.  Her hair might get messed up.  And Jesus wouldn’t approve.

That’s why I think the CLEARLY planted phone call from Ali was an indication that she might be the next “Bachelorette.”  Who EVER calls someone on a hotel phone?  Come on.  Sure, they needed some dramz to make the two hours of Jake drinking white wine while taking in the sweeping scenery more palpable, but that was a lame attempt at stirring the pot.

Still, Ali is a viable choice.  She’s hot, bitchy and looks like she’d totally put out.

So in two weeks when Jake hands out that final rose, after the cameras cut back and forth between him, Vienna and Tenley 10 times in a row, I hope he makes the right decision and walks off into the sunset with Vienna and her fake boobs, as the Caribbean version of “On the Wings of Love” swells to a crescendo.

That is, unless Reid comes back and tries to cock block him.

6 Comments to “How Dramatic Can A Rose Ceremony Really Be?”

  • Your description of this seasons Bachelor is WAY better than the actual show. You should go back and cast next season so we can have some fun! :)

  • YES, I agree with Sara’s statement. Why should we have to suffer through another “Gram-ma!” version of The Bachelor. This isn’t 1952 Bachelor! Great writing Sarah – this is hysterical.

  • I adored Reid and all of his neurosis and think he would have made an adorable husband (though not the greatest Bachelor). That said, we’re stuck with bedpan Jake, and I’m guessing he sends both ladies home alone. He just isn’t sure about either one, 100%. He and Tenly seem to be the perfect brother/sister duo… cut from the same exact pre-shrunk cotton cloth. She has his rib, however you want to say it. Those two are birds of a feather, and yet, I can’t really root for them. Because I really don’t care. And I guess that’s the point. It’s hard to care because neither of them give me the feeling of restlessness, of genuine ache. I see hurt, and smiles. But I don’t feel it.

    With Ali, pulling the drama move, walking out of Jake’s hotel room, sitting on the floor, cross legged. That girl feels things. She’s my fav.

  • [...] 11:07 – Bachelor – – yes, I was scoping out about the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER! EVER EVER! – – which led me to a quite humourous post about this same idea. (Yep, great minds do think alike!) [...]

  • [...] Meanwhile, the casting directors and producers behind the casting of these men, laugh maniacally, knowing they put some real douche bags, liars and possible trannies in the mix, just to amp up ratings.  Ali has her work cut out for her. [...]

  • [...] It could have been worse. Jake Pavleka, I’m talking to you. [...]

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