Get LOST? Not Me. Ten Qs I Have About Lost Finale

The LOST finale has come and gone.

Facebook petitioned for the planets to align perfectly so nothing would interrupt this climactic moment.

The streets were quiet, the airports shut down, and my dog didn’t need to take a crap outside for three hours.

I’d never seen the show before last night.

Why then, after avoiding this show for six seasons, would I sit down with a Costco size bag of Swedish Fish and watch the finale?

Well, according to the 346 Entertainment Weekly covers featuring all thing LOST, all questions I could possibly have about this enigmatic television show would be tied up in a frilly little bow by the show’s end.

But after two and a half hours of sweeping music, earthquakes and tears (most of them, mine), I still have questions.

As I watched, and yes, cried a lot, all the mysteries of the LOST universe slowly revealed themselves.  But I still didn’t know what the fart was going on.

In an effort to stay relevant on my Twitter feed, I need to figure this shit out.  I’ve whittled my main concerns down to 10.

I’m hoping, now that LOST fans have literally nothing to live for anymore, that they might refrain from offing themselves and take time to answer a few questions.

10. Who’s actually hotter – Jack or Sawyer?

9. What was the white light hole in the ground thingy?  Heaven?  A hottub?

8. Do you really believe in Duct tape?

7. Why was Locke such a dick?

6. So, did all of the people on the plane have to wait until Jack died before they could all go to heaven?

5. The pilot, the Asian dude and the guy with permanent black eyeliner were also on the plane at the end.  Why weren’t they at the church?

4. So the fat dude, Desmond and Ben were like, soul wranglers?  They brought all the peeps together and got them to feel each other up and cry?

3. How much do you think the new ABC show The Gates is going to suck?  Why does every network think it needs a vampire show now?

2. Did “The Others” all congregate at a Sizzler down the block?  Didn’t see any of them at that church.

And the MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION OF ALL –

1. What happened to the dog??!?!  He wasn’t at the church.  SURELY he did NOTHING wrong.  BAD CONTINUITY people.

Overall, it seemed to end nicely.  Kind of The Sixth Sense meets The Dead Zone thing.  For those die hards that will be walking around today in the hollow shells of your former selves because you’re so, well, lost without LOST, I’m sure ABC a new, totally-baffling-in-every-way show cooking right now to re-captivate you before you turn to the dark side and start watching Two and Half Men on CBS.

Later dude.