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The Bachelor episode five starts off with a twist. The 11 remaining girls say see ya to the mansion in LA and head to Las Vegas. Land of sin and sand, Brad wastes no time wooing his women. He checks them into a fancy schmancy hotel suite and shells out the first date card to Shawntel N.

Just a small town girl, Shawntel N. has no idea what she’s in for. Brad presents her with every girls dream…a shopping spree. And not just at the local mall. We’re talking Fendi, Prada and Gucci here. Brad, with an eyebrow-raising ability to channel his inner fashionista, helps Shawntel N. pick out some slamming outfits. Then, he piles about 50 bags on her shoulders and sends her back to the suite. Bad idea. Jaws drop and jealously bubbles as the other ten girls see the booty Shawntel N. has been bestowed with. Michelle cannot stand it, per usual, and mimics hanging herself. Oh, to dream…

Brad then whisks Shawntel N. off to a romantic rooftop date where she completely grosses him out by telling him about her job: that of a funeral director and embalmer. Yum! She talks about draining blood and body fluid leakage. No matter, Brad is smitten. And yes, he gives her the rose.

The next day, the group date card arrives. This one’s a biggie because whichever gal doesn’t get picked will be stuck with the dreaded two-on-one date where, no matter what, a girl is going home.

The chosen ones then head to a Nascar racetrack for their group date. Yes, Emily is among them. And yes, this is yet another blatant attempt to try and make Emily, the single mom who lost her race car-driving fiancé in a plane crash, cry. You know, since they couldn’t get the water works flowing on Emily and Brad’s first date, the heartless producers just try and try again. This time, it works. While the other girls are giddy and excited, Emily is clearly distressed. The girls gussy up in their racecar gear and buckle in for a ride around the track, but they keep cutting back to Emily looking bummed. Finally Brad notices and pulls her aside where Emily confides in him that the very track they are on is the same track that her dead fiancé used to race on. Awesome. Aren’t the producers just a class act? Brad feels like a jerk and Emily is, as always, totally gracious and wonderful.

Through her tears, she gets in that racecar and faces her fears. Yes, the music swelled.

At the after party at a private pool, Brad pulls Emily aside again, to the dismay of the other, highly emotional girls. Brad is worried that he won’t be able to fill her ex-fiancés shoes, which crushes Emily. She tries to smooth things over, but Brad is still spooked. (He still gives her the rose.)

The next night, the two Ashleys get stuck with the two-on-one date. Brad, a self proclaimed Cirque Du Soliel fanatic, takes the girls to an Elvis inspired Cirque show. They think they’re going to watch, but Brad quickly informs them that they are going to actually perform in the show! Just like Roberto and Ali did in the Lion King. (Hmm. Running out of ideas, there?)

Thing is, Brad only gets to choose one lady. So the stakes are extremely high. But not as high as Brad and his two Ashleys as they fly through air in rehearsal. The trio then sits down to dinner, and, with the rose looming on the table, Brad gives to Ashley H. (the dentist with mental problems). Thus sending Ashley S. (the nanny who scored the first impression rose) home.

The next night at the rose ceremony, the mood is decidedly awkward.  Brad works over time to make all the ladies feel special. Chantel is acting super dramatic, which Brad does not like. Michelle is her usual bossy, psycho self, which Brad eats up like the man-child that he is.

To recap: Emily, Ashley and Shawntel N. are all safe, but the other eight girls sweat buckets awaiting their name to be called. Brad starts laboriously handing out the roses. First to Michelle, then Alli, Britt and Jackie. One rose remains, yet three girls stand. In the end, Chantal nabs the bud, sending two girls whose names I don’t even really know, home. Oh, they are Marissa and Lisa, and they never got one-on-one dates. Go figure.

This means next week Brad will start sending home girls he’s made out with, had one-on-ones dates with, and spent signifigent time with. You know what that means: DRAMA!!

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