Oh, Ashley, what have you gotten yourself into? In the first 30 seconds of last night’s The Bachelorette, we see Ashley possibly getting married to one guy in Vegas while seeing another guy admit he has zero interest in his Bachelorette—other than in her tight butt.
I missed last week’s episode, so it was nice to see a mansion swarming with reasonably attractive guys. Most are hot, one is weird. The weird one, mind you, is intentionally being a douche by wearing an Eyes Wide Shut mask to cover his mug so Ashley can get to know the real him before she sees what he looks like. If he really wanted her to get to know the real him, he should be wearing an “I’m With Stupid” T-shirt.
The first-date card goes to William, a cutie from Ohio. Ashley plans a trip (on a private plane, naturally) to Vegas, where for some reason she takes him to a wedding cake shop, then a ring shop, then a chapel—where they almost get married! William actually says I DO, but Ashley is all, “Um, slow down. I have like, 17 more dudes to date before I commit.”
Meanwhile, the next date card arrives and 11 guys get chosen for a group date to Sin City. As the guys pile out of the limo, Ashley is standing there looking like a farmer’s daughter in a Pink checkered shirt. Hot? The guys think so. She takes them to a theater where she informs them they will be competing against each other for a spot to continue on the date (and perform in front of a live audience later that night). None of the guys are excited about this. There are few things less sexy than watching a bunch of bros sporting jazz hands.
The first team, The Best Men, do a little ditty similar to the JK Wedding Entrance Dance viral video. Only it was awful. Then No Rhythm Nation performed. They were also terrible, but they won. Then half the guys got sent home and half of them spent the rest of the evening training for a live Vegas show.
Side Note: If I paid top dollar for a Vegas show, I’d be mad as hell if the Bachelorette and her dude crew took the stage in lieu of actual performers. Where do I get my money back?
Post-show, Ashley and the boys hit a roof deck for some flirtin’ and drinkin’. We learn about the guys a bit more and learn about their particular brand of heartache. Nothing tops the emotional roller coaster of Emily’s heartbreaking story last season, but the producers did manage to find a guy whose wife died young, too. I bet they were thrilled.
Then there’s Bentley. You might as well call him Wes, ’cause this dude is not there for the right reasons. But unlike Wes, he fully admits it. He tells the camera that the only thing he likes about Ashley is her butt… and the competition. And, as if the world needed more confirmation that Ashley is an idiot, she gives Bentley a rose.
Back at the mansion, another date card arrives and two guys flip a coin for a date. Mickey, a chef from Cleveland, gets heads and flies to Vegas, where he and Ashley spend the whole date flipping coins. Heads for white, tails for red. Heads for steak, tails for chicken. I had to flip a coin to stay awake through this boring date. When it came to rose time, Ashley decided to flip a coin on whether to give him a rose or not. Heads you stay, tails you go. Well, he got the best heads of his life. And yes, he got the rose. Then they got a private concert from Colbie Caillat, who no doubt was bored too, performing for TWO entire people.
Meanwhile, back at the bat cave, the masked crusader started to feel a tad insincere. Oh boo-hoo, no one likes you because you wear a mask 24/7, you dork.
Finally, after what felt like four months, the rose ceremony began. There were a few dudes who had yet to get even a spare minute with Ashley, so that caused tension. And then the Phantom of the Opera showed up and was ready to finally reveal his face to Ashley… until another guy came in and ruined the moment.
Bentley decided to literally sweep Ashley off her feet and go in for a kiss in front of a fire. After they kissed, he was like, “Oh, man, that was BORING” (to the cameras, of course). Ashley LOVED it.
Ashley’s famous last words will no doubt be: “I have a good radar!”
Then Chris Harrison popped in and got the rose ball rolling, where Ash sent home a bunch of totally forgettable dudes.
Next week: Tears. And lots of ‘em.
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